Based on the book of the same name.
Genesis 1:
1. About 14 Billion years ago a few beings were doing nothing.
2. They had been doing nothing for a very long time.
3. The term we give to the largest possible number (with a name) is the googolplexian; these beings had been doing nothing for even longer than that.
4. At least they would have been doing nothing for that long if there had been a concept of time up to that point.
5. One of these beings decided that it would be good to actually do something for a change so it came up with the idea of creating a universe.
6. The rest also thought this was a good idea so they put the being in charge of construction and called it God. God would be responsible for creating everything in the universe.
7. So God went ahead and about 10 Billion years later it was in a position to create the solar system.
8. Not much happened for about another 4 Billion years and finally the planet Earth was ready to accept life.
Genesis 2:
1. God then said “Let’s make a life form that looks like us and place it on the planet”.
2. Another being pointed out the life form should be able to move, talk, hear, touch, smell, eat, taste and defecate; therefore a formless object like them would be impractical.
3. Following some considerable thought it was decided to design a totally new life form out of a pile of dirt and just pretend that it was made in their image.
4. They went ahead with the design and saw that it was very good.
5. They also created a partner for the new life form so that it could reproduce.
6. For a long time, because time now existed, they thought about a name for the life form and the place where it was living.
7. They finally came up with the term “Man” for the being and “Eden” for the garden and they were exhausted.
8. They decided to give man the task of naming everything else, because they didn’t want to do tedious stuff like that again.
9. With a masterful piece of forward thinking, they made sure that the man and his partner had no idea about the concepts of good or evil; right or wrong!
Genesis 3:
1. Everything was fine but the beings were a little bored with the scene so they decided to plant a tree containing of the knowledge of good and evil and command the man not to eat of its fruit.
2. Since the man wouldn’t understand that it was wrong to ignore the command, they knew that he would eventually eat the fruit. And they were very pleased.
3. Still, everything was progressing way too smoothly, so God decided to create a serpent and gave it the ability to communicate with the man and his partner, who was now called woman.
4. God had the serpent talk to the woman and convince her to eat of the forbidden tree.
5. Since the woman was very innocent, trustworthy, and had no idea about good or evil, she obliged the nice serpent and had a taste of this fruit.
6. She told the man, who also had no idea that it was wrong to ignore the original command, how wonderful it tasted and so he had a bite.
7. At this point God flew into a colossal rage.
8. It was incensed that they would do such an evil thing as ignore the command.
9. God entered the garden where the man and woman lived and pretended not to know where they were and what they had done.
10. The woman told God about the nice serpent and the tasty fruit.
11. God then cursed the serpent, who was completely bewildered because it was just doing what God had told it to do.
12. God then cursed the man, now known as Adam, who was just slightly less bewildered than the serpent.
13. God then reserved a special curse for the woman, who was known as Eve, and she was very afraid.
14. From that moment forth, bearing children will be very sorrowful and her husband shall rule over her.
15. God then banished the lot of them from the nice garden.
Genesis 4:
1. Adam and Eve produced two boys, named Cain and Abel.
2. Abel rested while he kept an eye on their sheep.
3. Cain worked hard digging and planting in the fields.
4. The brothers offered the products of their toil to God.
5. Abel gave some lamb fat and Cain some of his produce from the field.
6. God, in its wisdom, decided to play one brother against the other.
7. God rejected Cain’s offering of fruit and praised Abel for his offering of fat.
8. God did this knowing full well that, as a formless being, it could eat neither.
9. Cain was not happy and killed Abel, as God knew he would.
10. God, who hadn’t been upset with anyone in some time, then cursed Cain.
11. Cain went to the land of Nod and had many children.
Genesis 5:
1. Man lived for many years in those days.
2. Adam lived for 930 years.
3. The long lived winner was apparently Methuselah who lived for 969 years.
4. Methuselah had a son called Lamech.
5. Lamech had a son called Noah.
6. When Noah was 500 years old he had three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth.
Genesis 6:
1. The population of the Earth had increased significantly.
2. God noticed, in one of its rare visits, that the people on the Earth were inclined to evil thoughts.
3. Rather than regretting its action of planting the tree of knowledge of good and evil, God decided instead that creating the human race was a mistake.
4. Logically following this train of thought, God decided to destroy every living thing by drowning them in a flood.
5. God found that Noah and his family were not as evil as everyone else and commanded him to make a large boat, about 450 feet long, so they could ride out the flood.
Genesis 7:
1. A varying number of pairs of every bird and animal went into the ark.
2. Noah was 600 years old when the rains came and they lasted for forty days and forty nights.
3. The water covered the Earth for 150 days.
4. Nothing survived but the inhabitants of the Ark.
Genesis 8:
1. Eventually the waters receded and Noah, his family, the birds, and the animals left the Ark.
2. Noah, remembering what had happened to Cain, kept aside the fruit and sacrificed some of the animals to God who was well pleased with this.
3. God decided not to do this again to the people of the Earth even though it knew they were evil from birth.
4. That concept was based on what it had seen with Adam and Eve a few centuries earlier.
Genesis 9:
1. God, seemingly unconcerned about the effects of in-breeding, sent Noah and his family out to multiply and again fill the Earth with people.
2. God also pledged to never again create such a devastating flood.
3. God then created a rainbow just in case it forgot this pledge.
4. Noah grew a vineyard and drank the wine from his vines.
5. One day he became drunk and lay down naked.
6. His youngest son, Ham, saw this and asked his brothers to cover their father with a garment.
7. When Noah awoke he was furious about this whole episode; he was no doubt hung-over.
8. Noah cursed Ham’s youngest son, Canaan, to be a slave to Shem and Japheth.
9. Noah, it seems, had learned a lesson in inappropriate anger and cursing from God.
10. Noah lived another 350 years and died at the age of 950 years.
Genesis 10:
1. Noah’s sons had a lot of sons who also had a lot of sons, and so forth.
2. They probably had daughters too, but no one seems to remember them.
3. The clans of Noah’s sons began to spread out across the world.
4. They started nations throughout the region.
Genesis 11:
1. There was only one language in the world at the time.
2. The people settled in the East and made a tower to reach the heavens.
3. Naturally, God did not appreciate this, so it caused the people to speak many languages which confused them no end.
4. They stopped building the tower and God sent them out across the world.
5. They had lots more children.
Genesis 12:
1. One of the children by the name of Abram was spoken to by God who seemed to take a shining to him.
2. After a lot of blessing and cursing, God sent him and his clan to Canaan.
3. Because there was a famine in Canaan, Abram went with his wife, Sarai to Egypt.
4. There the Egyptian Pharaoh fell in love with Sarai, because Abram had told everyone that she was his sister.
5. The Pharaoh married Sarai and gave Abram many riches.
5. God found out about this and punished the Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s lie.
6. The Pharaoh sent them all away from Egypt.
Genesis 13:
1. Abram, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, travelled quite a bit and finally settled around Bethel.
2. The land couldn’t support the herds of both Lot and Abram so they parted ways.
3. Abram stayed in Canaan while Lot went to Sodom.
4. God said that Abram and his offspring could have the land as far as he could see forever.
5. Abram finally settled in Hebron.
Genesis 14:
1. There were years of war in the area and Lot was captured when the Kings of Sodom and Gomorrah were defeated.
2. Abram went off and rescued Lot.
3. The King of Sodom and the King of Salem were pleased.
Genesis 15:
1. God spoke to Abram and told him he’d have children.
2. Abram slept and God gave him the good news that his descendants would be enslaved and mistreated for four hundred years.
3. God then pointed out that he would punish those who did this to them, even though it was God’s idea in the first instance.
4. God then promised all the land from Egypt to the Euphrates to Abram’s descendants.
Genesis 16:
1. Now Sarai couldn’t conceive so she told Abram to sleep with her slave girl, Hagar.
2. Abram did this and Hagar became pregnant.
3. When Hagar found she was pregnant she despised Sarai.
4. Sarai blamed Abram for all of this and Sarai then mistreated Hagar.
5. Hagar ran away but was found by an angel and sent back.
6. Hagar gave birth to a son who was named Ishmael.
Genesis 17:
1. When Abram was 99 years of age, God spoke to him.
2. God said that his name would be Abraham from now on, he and his offspring would be fertile and he gave him and his descendants the land of Canaan; this would be the new covenant with God.
3. God then added that every male from now on would have to be circumcised or they would be considered to have broken this new agreement.
4. Sarai was to be known as Sarah and she would give Abraham a son who would be called Isaac.
5. Every male was then rounded up and circumcised.
6. Every newborn was to be circumcised as well. It seems that it didn’t occur to God to just have them born from this point onwards with no foreskin.
Genesis 18:
1. Three men appeared to Abraham and he washed and fed them.
2. One of them told Abraham that when he returns in twelve months, Sarah will have had a child.
3. Sarah was amused by this; an attitude that God, naturally, did not appreciate.
4. God then told Abraham what he was going to do to the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah because they were terribly sinful.
5. Abraham spoke for them and it was decided that if God could find ten righteous people in Sodom the city would not be destroyed. Apparently God knew there were only nine righteous people there because it wouldn’t bargain any lower than ten.
Genesis 19:
1. The three men, who were actually angels, went down to Sodom and stayed in Lot’s house.
2. Men from all parts of the city came to Lot’s house and demanded that they be allowed to have sex with the men.
3. Lot offered his virgin daughters to the men but they insisted that they wanted the men.
4. Finally the angels blinded all the men and told Lot, his wife and their daughters to leave the city.
5. God rained down burning Sulphur on Sodom and Gomorrah and destroyed both cities.
6. Lot’s wife looked back for some inexplicable reason and was turned into a pillar of salt.
7. Lot and his daughters then lived in a cave.
8. The daughters got their father drunk and became pregnant to him.
Genesis 20:
1. Abraham moved on and stayed with the King of Gerar.
2. As he had done previously, Abraham told the King that Sarah was his sister.
3. The King, never dreaming that Abraham would lie and thinking that she was available, took Sarah but did not touch her.
4. True to form, God came to the King in a dream and berated him for taking a married woman.
5. Fortunately, because the King had not touched Sarah, God let him off with a warning.
6. God, naturally, took credit for preventing the King from having his way with her.
7. When Sarah was returned to Abraham he prayed for the King and so God healed him, his wife and female slaves so that they could again have children.
8. God, in its wisdom, had kept all the women from conceiving because of Sarah.
Genesis 21:
1. When Abraham was 100 years old his son, Isaac, was born.
2. He immediately circumcised him.
3. Sarah told Abraham to get rid of the slave girl, Hagar and her son.
4. The next day Abraham sent the two of them off into the desert.
5. God eventually looked after them when they fell to the ground from thirst.
6. Abraham made the treaty of Beersheba with Abimelek, king of the Philistines, over the ownership of a well.
Genesis 22:
1. God seemingly became bored again and tested Abraham.
2. God told Abraham to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, as a burnt offering.
3. Abraham took Isaac, bound him, placed him on an altar on top of a pile of wood and took a knife to slay his son.
4. Just in time, an angel stopped him and said that it was good that he feared God.
5. Instead Abraham sacrificed a ram.
6. God blessed Abraham for obeying.
7. Abraham stayed in Beersheba.
Genesis 23:
1. Sarah died at the age of one hundred and twenty seven years.
2. Abraham paid four hundred shekels of silver for a cave and buried her there.
Genesis 24:
1. Abraham sent a servant to his country of origin to find a wife for Isaac.
2. The servant met the beautiful virgin, Rebekah.
3. She agreed to go and the servant brought her back to Isaac.
3. Isaac and Rebekah were married.
Genesis 25:
1. Abraham took another wife, Keturah, and had 6 children with her.
2. He finally died at the age of one hundred and seventy five.
3. Rebekah gave birth to twin boys, Esau and Jacob.
4. Esau was red and hairy; Jacob was born holding on to his foot.
5. It appears Jacob was the brighter one because, when they grew up, Esau gave his birthright to Jacob for some bread and lentil stew.
Genesis 26:
1. There was a famine in the land and Isaac stayed in Gerar.
2. Fearing that they would kill him, he told the men of that place that Rebekah was his sister.
3. Abimelek confronted him about this and then ordered his people not to harm Isaac or Rebekah.
4. Isaac became very wealthy.
5. The Philistines became very envious of him and filled all his wells with earth.
6. Abimelek sent Isaac away and they settled in a valley.
7. Isaac found water but the local herders claimed it as theirs.
8. Eventually he made an agreement with Abimelek over ownership of the well.
9. The name of the town was Beersheba.
10. Esau married two Hittite girls and this grieved Isaac and Rebekah.
Genesis 27:
1. When Isaac was old he sent for Esau, his eldest, in order to give him his blessings.
2. While Esau was out gathering food, Jacob tricked the old man into giving him the blessings.
3. When Esau returned to get his blessing, he found it was too late because Jacob had been blessed in his place.
4. Isaac was apparently all out of blessings so he told Esau he would have to serve his brother Jacob.
5. Esau was not pleased by this deception so he stated he would kill Jacob.
6. On hearing this, Rebekah sent Jacob off to hide with his uncle.
Genesis 28:
1. Isaac blessed Jacob again and told him not to marry a Canaanite woman.
2. Jacob left and had a dream in which God promised him all the land where he lay.
3. Jacob was heard to say “awesome, this is the gate to heaven”.
Genesis 29:
1. Jacob met Rachel, the daughter of his uncle who was named Laban.
2. Jacob worked for seven years in order to win Rachel for his wife.
3. After the seven years Laban offered his oldest daughter, Leah, to Jacob but he wanted Rachel.
4. It was agreed that if he worked a further seven years he could have both daughters, so he did.
5. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah.
6. Leah gave him four children, Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Judah.
Genesis 30:
1. Rachel could not have children so she told Jacob to sleep with her servant, Bilhah.
2. Bilhah had a son to Jacob, named Dan.
3. Eventually, after much swapping of wives and servants and the production of five more children, Rachel finally became pregnant.
4. She named the boy Joseph.
5. Jacob became very wealthy through a clever trick involving speckled goats.
Genesis 31:
1. The trick eventually upset a number of people.
2. Jacob gathered his herds and family and left his uncle’s homeland.
3. Rachel stole some of her father’s property.
3. Upon learning of the deceit, Laban followed Jacob and after seven days he caught up to him.
4. There was much wrangling; eventually they agreed to go their separate ways.
Genesis 32:
1. Jacob returned to his homeland and planned to meet with his brother Esau.
2. Jacob was afraid that Esau would kill him.
4. He sent goats, ewes, rams, bulls, asses, foals and camels as presents for his brother.
3. Jacob then sent his family away and wrestled with an angel until the next morning.
4. The angel could not beat Jacob so he wrenched Jacob’s thigh and damaged his hip socket.
5. The angel said that Jacob’s name would now be Israel and he blessed him.
6. Jacob hobbled back to his family.
Genesis 33:
1. Jacob saw Esau riding toward him with 400 of his men.
2. Esau hugged and kissed Jacob and there was much joy.
3. All was forgiven and Jacob went to live in Canaan.
4. Hamor was the Prince in the country.
Genesis 34:
1. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob and Leah, went for a walk.
2. Shechem, the son of Hamor, had his way with her.
3. Jacob and his sons were most upset because this group weren’t circumcised.
4. Hamor asked Jacob for his daughter to be allowed to marry Shechem who loved her.
5. In keeping with the spirit of lies and guile, Jacob’s sons agreed to the marriage if all of Hamor’s men be circumcised.
6. Every male was dutifully circumcised.
7. When this was done some of Jacob’s clan killed every man including Hamor and Shechem and took away their women and children.
8. Jacob was not happy about this as he expected reprisal.
Genesis 35:
1. God told Jacob to go to Bethel and make an altar.
2. Off they went and God terrorised the cities around them in order to stop any pursuit.
3. God renamed Jacob, Israel.
4. Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin.
5. Isaac died at the age of 180 and Jacob and Esau buried him.
Genesis 36:
1. This chapter is a genealogist’s treasure.
Genesis 37:
1. Jacob lived in the land of Canaan. Even though the angel and God had both called him Israel, it appears he preferred Jacob.
2. Joseph, his son, was seventeen years old and was his father’s favourite.
3. Jacob gave him a coat of many colours.
4. Joseph’s brothers hated him and sold him to some traveling merchants for twenty pieces of silver.
5. The brothers told Israel that a wild animal had killed Joseph.
6. He ended up in Egypt with the Pharaoh’s Captain of the guard, Potiphar.
Genesis 38:
1. About this time Joseph's brother, Judah, left the family and went his own way.
2. God, who hadn't been seen for some time, now waiting for a child to be born and killed it.
3. It then killed one of Judah friend, Onan, for spilling his seed recklessly on the ground.
4. My guess is that this is when masturbation became abhorrent in some religions; God, not having testicles, would have no idea how necessary this practice is, especially for a man.
5. There were a few more births.
Genesis 39:
1. Now back in Egypt with Joseph.
2. God apparently was having a good period and allowed Joseph to prosper.
3. Potiphar put him in charge of his household.
4. Potiphar's wife tried to seduce him, and when Joseph refused she claimed he tried to rape her.
5. Potiphar believed her and had Joseph arrested.
6. Joseph was imprisoned with the King's prisoners.
7. God was no longer allowing Joseph to prosper.
Genesis 40:
1. Joseph interpreted the dreams of two of the king's prisoners.
2. One would live and the other would die in 3 days.
3. It happened that way but the one who lived forgot about Joseph.
Genesis 41:
1. Two years after this episode, the Pharaoh had a dream that he could not decipher.
2. The King's prisoner form Chapter 40 remembered Joseph.
3. Joseph was called and interpreted the dream as seven years of plenty followed by seven years of famine.
4. Pharaoh then put Joseph in charge of making it all go right.
5. By the time the famine arrived, Egypt had plenty of food for everyone
Genesis 42:
1. Joseph's father Jacob (Israel) sent his sons to get food from Egypt.
2. Joseph knew them but they did not recognise him
3. He made them suffer for a while.
4. He sent them off to get their youngest brother, Benjamin, and kept Simeon as a hostage.
5. When Jacob heard of this he was not at all happy.
Genesis 43:
1. Jacob relented and sent Benjamin.
2. They were given a feast when they arrive. Benjamin was fed much more than anyone else.
Genesis 44:
1. Joseph was still playing games with them and planted a cup in Benjamin's bag when they left.
2. Then chased after them and "caught" them red handed.
3. Brother Judah offered himself as a prisoner rather than see Jacob distraught over Benjamin's predicament.
Genesis 45:
1. Joseph then relented and identified himself.
2. He said it wasn't their fault that they did what they did, because God had sent him.
Genesis 46:
1. Jacob decided to go to Egypt.
2. On the way God told him that he would make a great nation there and all would be well.
3. It was already a great nation when all this was happening, but Jacob wasn't to know that.
Genesis 47:
1. Joseph settled his family in Egypt.
2. The famine was severe and Joseph made the Pharaoh very rich and he bought up all the land from the people.
3. He turned all the people into servants, they were fed but owned nothing.
4. Perhaps God prefers leaders rather than the ordinary people.
5. Democracy may not be its favourite system of government.
Genesis 48:
1. Egypt survived, however God's "people" were not exactly welcome.
2. When Jacob was dying he blessed Joseph's sons.
Genesis 49:
1. Jacob was buried in the cave where Abraham and Sarah were buried.
Genesis 49:
1. Joseph died at the age of one hundred and ten and he was buried in Egypt.
This was such a wonderful story that Andrew Lloyd Webber created a two act musical called Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream-coat. Tim Rice wrote the lyrics.
End.
It seems we have been dying younger and younger since Methuselah created the record.
